So you’re going out this St. Patrick’s Day and you want to know how to avoid getting arrested? It’s ok, we’re all friends here. Maybe you just found out your 3 percent Irish through an overpriced genetic test and your planning to show your cultural pride. Maybe you were forced to visit family over spring break and you’re planning to let off some steam. Perhaps it’s just that your past experience has proven you don’t have the luck of the Irish when it comes to holiday shenanigans. It’s okay, we have you covered. Here’s how to not get arrested this St. Partick’s Day.
Content warning for language.
1. Keep your hands to yourself
His shirt may say “Kiss me, I’m Irish,” but his girlfriend is the one who made him wear it, and chances are she won’t be too thrilled if you are tongue shoveling him. Not only might you get your ass beat, but you could also end up with a sexual battery charge. That’s right, unwanted touching, kissing, and groping can land you in the big house. So before you plant a big one on the first cutie you see, consider starting a conversation with them first.
2. Stay away from Savannah, Georgia
Savannah puts together a lot of St. Patrick’s Day events including the second largest parade in the U.S. Because Savannah draws such a large crowd, rowdiness and crime is sure to follow. Don’t get caught up in the party, consider the block party hosted by Parks and Rec. This local party offers fewer people and fewer chances for you to get arrested this St. Patrick’s Day.
3. Use a restroom not a bush
Another great method for how to not get arrested this St. Partick’s Day is pee in bathrooms. Seems pretty obvious right? Still, some people literally cannot hold their alcohol and need sweet relief right away. So please, keep in mind that a public urination citation in the state of Florida is a misdemeanor offense with jail time of up to a year and a fine of $1,000. So either hold it till you can get to a restroom or wear an adult diaper.
4. Don’t drink and drive
Again, this sounds like pretty obvious advice for how to not get arrested this St. Partick’s Day. Well, unfortunately, St. Patricks Day is still ranked as one of the deadliest days of the year due to drunk drivers. According to the Florida DMV, the average price of a DUI is roughly $8,000 in addition to really high car insurance and a mugshot for all future employers to see. More importantly, drunk driving killed 10,497 people in 2016. With easier, cheaper and safer options such as Uber, Lyft, calling your ex, walking to a pizza joint and ordering it for delivery only to then get in the car with the delivery driver and get home safely with pizza, there really is no reason to drink and drive.
Oh and if you wake up the day after not in jail but with an incapacitating hangover, remember the three P’s of St. Patrick’s Day: pickle juice, Pedialyte and Push-ups!
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