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Local blames sweating on global warming, denies habits of poor self-care

According to Masterson, a typical start to a Floridian’s day in winter is waking up and immediately regretting it. As Florida frigidity says its final farewell, we’re pleased to shed our extra layers for the stable and sweltering heat the Sunshine State never fails to deliver, only to remember how much we hate it and begin counting the days until next winter.

According to 22-year-old Dylan Masterson, climate change is to blame for his chronic sweating problem. Photo courtesy of Haley Jordan/Connect.

According to 22-year-old Dylan Masterson, climate change is to blame for his chronic sweating problem. Photo courtesy of Haley Jordan/Connect.

But winter in Florida is kind of an oxymoron.

Thanks to the warm Gulf and the Atlantic Ocean firing from both sides, Florida is considered the most humid state in the U.S., and, according to snowbirds, a real winter is one that stays cold throughout the day and can’t be suspended just because of the sun at high noon. But due to Mr. Winter Wonderland’s emotional instability in Florida, the only white seen this chilly season has been the salient, salty stains protruding from our back and our underarms.

However, if you frequent denial or feel entitled enough that you’re not responsible for the gross but natural things your body does, you’re not alone. According to 22-year-old Dylan Masterson,  the world and its people are to blame.

“I just don’t see how I’m to blame for something I have no control over, you know?” He said between bites of a double bacon quarter pounder he had delivered by Uber Eats. “I mean… I know I’m responsible for my own body, but I feel it’s kind of the world’s fault I’m sweating in winter.”

Due to the subtropical climate, Floridian’s bodies have adapted to the scorching heat like desert tortoises in search of the nearest air-conditioned Wawa. So, waking up to natural 40-degree weather is nice… the first few times. The tricky part is finding a versatile outfit that can adapt to the flux of temperature throughout the day.

Masterson also states that he prefers to exercise in the winter, but since the only time it’s cold in Florida is early in the morning, he explains: “I’m not waking up early just because mother nature doesn’t have her shit together.”

Friends of Masterson confirm and agree with his rantings. Dylan’s roommate, Clyde, had this to say: “You wake up and dress for 50-degree weather and then a few hours later it’s so hot you’re tying your Brookvale hooded jacket around your waist like you’re trying to hide an accident or something. You just couldn’t hold it in, and now you’re deemed as ‘that guy who pissed his pants that one time on the way to the MOMA.’ It was fourth grade!”

The best part, Masterson says, are when snowbirds heckle you for being cold.

“Oh, this cold?” He said mocking a New York accent. “This is nothing! My cousin Tony almost froze to death one night after passing out in the gutter from public intoxication. Had to put in boiling water. Like an egg, he was! You eva’ been to Brooklyn? Get outta here, really? You wouldn’t make it. I’m gonna go get myself an iced cawfee and find another native to make fun of.”

There’s something about being roasted by someone who fled across the country to escape their cold that warms the cockles.

“Florida has made us creatures of climate control,” Masterson said while washing his meal down with a swig of Coca-Cola. “So winter should be the one time of year when I shouldn’t have to pay for air conditioning. It has to be global warming! Everyone driving around in their cars, creating all these negative greenhouse gases. I mean, I’m a young guy, why else am I panting and sweating after a short walk from Bayboro to Pippenger hall-,” he stopped and spit out a french fry he was chewing on. “These need salt,” he said wiping his mouth.

 

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